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David the dragon

 
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tonywager



Joined: 12 Apr 2017
Posts: 189
Location: Lincolnshire

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 6:29 pm    Post subject: David the dragon  Reply with quote

David the Dragon was learning to fly
Flapping and flapping, but couldn't get high.
Running and jumping,The next thing to try
As David the Dragon, Was learning to fly

David the Dragon Climbed onto a tree
Jumped and he bumped And he damaged his knee
Landing in brambles he couldn't get free
When David the Dragon Jumped off of a tree

David the Dragon Just needed a start
Ate Brussels and chillies With artichoke heart
Ignition and blast off He blew out a fart
As David the Dragon Got off to a start

David the Dragon  By gasses propelled
Flew to the stars Where the moon Dragon dwelled.
Searching for love, but he found her repelled
By fumes from the gasses that David expelled

David the Dragon denied an embrace
Feeling rejected went off in disgrace
Stinking and farting all over the place
Found he was lost in the darkness of space

David the Dragon was scared and alone
Choking on gas from the farts that he'd blown
Desperately looked for the way that he'd flown
Never been out quite this far on his own

David the Dragon  was chasing his tail
Gas stock was low and was starting to fail
Then saw the trump's that he'd left as a trail
And tset course for home with his wings as a sail

David the dragon was rushing  through space
Wings fully open and  smile on his face
Now he was flying with ease and with grace
Speeding past moon dragons solitary space

David the dragon had learnt how to fly
Heading for home with the stars flashing by
Straight past the  the moon dragon, watching her sigh
She'd had her chance, now it's her time to try
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Tony Wager
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Indie Skreet



Joined: 26 Feb 2017
Posts: 420
Location: London

PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

love the sing-song rhythm, Tony. I didn't trip once. Stray 'the' in the third line of last verse. Maybe Brian is eating too much jelly, lol.
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Culinanucobold



Joined: 08 May 2017
Posts: 20
Location: England

PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 5:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lovely rhyming story. If I had to give some constructive criticism I would say I did not like the last lines in the first three verses.  The repetition just didn't work for me, but I enjoyed the rest of it a lot.
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Dawn Munro



Joined: 05 Mar 2017
Posts: 190

PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile  Well, we all know how children love dragons and farts will get a giggle every time. Your poem is a charmer - just one question, and a suggestion:

S1, L4 as an example - why the capital letters for common words? (here it was the word "was")

Next - there's a typo here - S7, L4 - the letter "t"

Well done.
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Writer of poetry, short stories, novels, children's books - find her books at:
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tonywager



Joined: 12 Apr 2017
Posts: 189
Location: Lincolnshire

PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Dawn
Yes, you are right.
Needs editing and tidying
Thank you and bless you my friend


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