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The summer and him

 
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Culinanucobold



Joined: 08 May 2017
Posts: 20
Location: England

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:47 pm    Post subject: The summer and him  Reply with quote

The summer and him.

He's not built for the summer
He's pale and burns quick, in the shade
And his round ample belly
Which ripples like jelly
Means a whole lotta sweatin' I'm afraid

But,

He loves feeling the sun on his face
Relaxing, on the freshly mown grass
A cold beer by his side
Sunblock moderately applied
Enjoying some downtime at last

Then it's,

Can we have a water fight now?
Will you fill the paddling pool too?
Oh Please go away!
Kids, I have to say?
He wants five minutes alone, without you!

Because,

English Summer's last but a few days
And he's not built for speed you could guess
He just wants to lie here
And when he's finished his beer
He'll probably be a blotchy red mess

Then I'll, I mean He'll,

Look for a place to cool down
And Complain it's too hot today
Take a soothing cold shower
Which he'll stand in for an hour
And wish the sky would go back to being grey
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Indie Skreet



Joined: 26 Feb 2017
Posts: 420
Location: London

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

amusing, but would be all the better for more consideration to the rhythm and rhyme... and the line, 'Kids, I have to say?' ???
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Iíve a big mouth, which you will find, with a long tongue, that speaks its mind!
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Culinanucobold



Joined: 08 May 2017
Posts: 20
Location: England

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like performing this one and have never heard that said about it.  It must work in my voice and because I know the iterations and meter, it works.  I am sorry you feel that does not come across when it's read.  I often read other people's work on this forum that I cannot grab the rhythm to that others praise though.
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tonywager



Joined: 12 Apr 2017
Posts: 189
Location: Lincolnshire

PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2017 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi
I like this
It is lightly humerous, and I can see it going well at a slam.
Please post more
Bless you


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Tony Wager
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